It was a cool crisp fall day. The storms of the day before had moved of to the east. We got up early with the sunrise and had a simple breakfast. Toast for me and scrambled eggs, turkey bacon and grilled chicken for you. Sitting around is never good for the soul so we went out to Mr BoBo. Hannah rode in the arena and you and Whitney chased him for a bit, like you always do. We came back home and I took care of a few things around the house. Once I got done I joined you and Whitney out on the deck with my guitar. You sat in the sun the way you always did. Upright on your haunches you enjoyed the view across the valley all the way over to the mountains. I don’t know if it’s just boxers but when you sat there stoically and sweetly it just killed me that you were in such dire straits. As I played the song you came over to sit next to me and sniffed. Since it was my birthday and the best wife ever was going to a rock show (Foo Fighters) with me, we set you and Whitney up inside so that you could make yourself comfortable. We met Katie down in Denver for dinner and the show but most of the time I was thinking about you. The show rocked and we got home later than I thought. The band played for two and a half hours at least. I was worried but you and Whitney greeted us as you always did - tail stubs wagging, noses snorting and happiness on your face. We put you on a blanket in our bed and made you comfortable. As I would do for any good friend of mine. On Monday I dropped you off early and the vet did the ultrasound and saw what we expected him to see. A large cancerous mass and not many options for helping you or making you feel better. Julie, Hannah and I stayed with you and just hung out for a while. Then Hannah asked hard questions and we gave her the hard answers. Sometimes life isn’t fair and we don’t always get what we want. In this case more time with you. With Hannah getting a little upset she and Julie went out of the room. I sat with you and enjoyed the way you stood over me, like you did to other dogs, mainly Whitney. Then it was time and the doctor eased you down with some Valium and you relaxed next to me. You seemed tired and I didn’t blame you. How could you not be tired with a tumor bigger than my fist growing out of your kidney? I put my hand on your heart, told you I loved you and cried. The doctor administered the final dose and I put one hand on your head and scratched your ears they way you liked. I put my hand on your heart and felt the final beat. You were gone and my heart felt broken. I know with time the loss of you gets easier to bear but the void in my heart will be there forever, next to the voids left by some other friends who have gone through the same door you did. I have known since I was young that I am an animal lover. I think it was the way my emotions ran wild at the end of ‘Where the Red Fern Grows” - I read that book around the time Murphy the red colored golden retriever of my youth passed the same way you just did. I’m sure you will see him, Hobbes, Katie and Mr. Clyde at the big dog park in the sky - tell them I say hi. When I was a child I thought death was bad because it took something I wanted from me and left me with sadness. As I have grown I have learned that death is not about me. It’s about you and what you need from me. Understanding, compassion, love - I hope that came through as I touched you. Letting go is hard to do but it wouldn’t be hard if there wasn’t so much good that happened during our short time together. It’s funny I think that the most important sense we have is touch and you were always sweetly touching me, physically when you put your head in my lap or when you did somehting funny and made us laugh. I see and hear tens to hundreds of people every day but only touch a few. A shoulder squeeze from my wife can make a bad day good in an instant. A look from a boxer that says “Let’s play!” can make any worries melt away. You gave me this insight and touched my heart in a way that only a few can. So my friend, thank you for your boxerness. The exuberance and joy you brought to this world cannot be replaced. While my heart is heavy now I take comfort in the memories you freely gave to me. May you rest in peace I will see you on the other side.
10/16/2011 ~ 5 min read
